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Pat

Pat Sajak is the host for Wheel of Fortune. He is described as being like an Oompah-Loompah, except he's a lot shorter and "oranger". At first Connie was supposed to just be on the real show, but because she got so nervous to meet Pat, she had diarrhea so bad the Wheel of Fortune shooting location was permanently shut down from Connie's ridiculously toxic diarrhea. Because of this, Connie kidnaps Pat and forces him to host a very cheap knock-off version of the game for her that uses only cardboard cut-outs and letters written out on paper, under the threat that she'll kill him otherwise. Connie stated she is very much aware that (hypocritically) she is romantically obsessed with Pat but won't hesitate to rip him to pieces and feed him to a painting of Pat on her back she calls "Back Pat".

Ethel and Steve then charged in and tried saving Pat (after the two forgot they don't CARE if Pat dies or lives) and try to get Connie to win so that she won't kill Pat, but Steve got too lucky since he guessed correctly every single puzzle phrases "Get off my ballsack Ethel!" and "Help! I'm Being Crushed by a 300-Pound Monster!" without even guessing any letters, since Pat Sajak chose categories like "Things Fred Mertz Should've Said on I Love Lucy" or "Things Rebel Wilson's Couch Would Say".

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