|Hair||Grey (old), Brown (young)|
|Age||At least 60s|
|Job||Secretary of the Interior, Navy SEAL commander|
|Killed by||Woody Johnson with help from Connie|
|Voiced by||Tom Kenny|
Kirk Sanders is a Navy SEAL Colonel who was Connie's navy commanding officer who discovered her weakness and ruined her life by force-feeding her Thanksgiving dinner. He served as the main antagonist of Connie's subplot in Season 1's 5th episode "Race Off!" The thought of just hearing his name made Connie run and panic.
Kirk Sanders is the reason why Connie is so obese. As soon as he found that Connie stored food in her lockers without permission, Kirk forced Connie to eat Thanksgiving dinner 24/7, even during her Navy SEALS training, which included turkey, pumpkin pies and gravy during exercises such as tire run workouts and barbed wire crawling. She ballooned in weight so much that she killed off all her fellow privates by bouncing onto a lifeboat, which threw them off into landing on top of naval mines. There was a multi-funeral for her deceased mates and Kirk still made her eat an entire banquet dinner while blaming their deaths all on her.
Kirk Sanders is either gay, bisexual or pansexual since he mentioned having sex with (and paid) Phuong Kim, a male Vietnamese prostitute in Hanoi.
After Connie failed to steal the arson evidence from Sanders, she ends up falling on him thus accidentally killing him. Then Woody dumped Sanders' dead body in the middle of the forest only to have it land on a electrical fake tree.