Little Boy Malloy

''Little Boy Malloy''
Season 2, Episode 8
Production Code: 2RAG07
Written by Michael Rowe
Directed by Brian LoSchiavo
First Aired: October 22, 2013
List of Episodes
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Little Boy Malloy is the 8th episode in Season 2 of Brickleberry, and the 18th episode overall.

Synopsis

Ethel's overachieving bitch of a sister comes into town and on impulse, Ethel lies about having a husband and son. Connie goes in drab and pretends to be her husband, Connor and Malloy, against his own will is shaved bald and passed off as a human boy.

Plot

Ethel uses Connie and Malloy as her faux husband and son to show up her sister. Meanwhile, Steve falls in love with a woman who looks exactly like him (Stephanie Bridges) and asks Denzel for help against his glossophobia (fear of speaking in public).

Quotes

Denzel: [referring to Steve and Stephanie] If these motherfuckers have a baby, I'm hitting that bitch with a brick.

---

Connie: I'd do anything for you, Ethel.

Ethel: I know.

Connie: Anything.

Ethel: Uh, yeah. Got it.

Connie: ANYTHING!

Ethel: Got it!

Connie: No, no. Seriously. ANYTHING!

Ethel: I KNOW!

---

Ethel: Why do I have such bad luck with men?

Connie: Maybe you've just been dating the wrong people.

Ethel: What? Don't be silly.

[Ethel is shown on a date with Phil the Satan-worshipping serial killer]

Phil: And that's why I worship Satan. Ahahaha, kidding! I'd love to make a hammock out of your skin.

[Ethel is shown on a date with a complete retard]

Retard: [singing] Iiiiii like vagiiiiina!

[Ethel is shown on a date with a member of the KKK]

Klansman: Hmmm, is this kosher?

---

Ethel: I'm hitting the age where I'd like to have kids.

Ken: Yeah, I like hitting kids too.

---

Ken: Oh, baby, I'm gunna make love to you all ni-[Ethel rubs his arm and he gets ready to jizz his pants]I-I-I-I-KIKIKAAAH-[jizzes]... Okay, I'm done.

---

Woody: What the hell are you two idiots up to? We've had three snake attacks, a camper vandalized a moose, AND I FOUND A HUMAN HEAD IN THE FIREPIT!

Malloy: Did you say human? Ah, I was hoping it was Connie's.

Connie: [deadpan] I'm gunna kill you one day, Malloy.

Malloy: [angry] What?

Connie: [terrified] Uh, nothing!

---

Steve: Guys could you keep it down? I'm trying to practice my speech of Stephanie's school. Good morning boys and girls, my name is-

Woody: Hanukkah jizz-tonsil.

Steve: Yes, my name is Hanukkah jizz-tonsil. Wait, no it's not! Wait, is it? Ah, shoot!

Malloy: He is awful at literally everything.

Steve: [sigh] I am a park ra-a-[vomits uncontrollably through both his mouth and his nostrils]

Malloy: I think the kids are gunna love it.

---

Ethel: Sorry I'm late.

Malloy: Ugh, we hear that once a month.

---

[Ken makes a sandwich with mayonnaise]

Ken: It's Ken. Sorry about last night. Why don't you come over now and I'll make it up to you. I'll bend you over and I-[squeezes a bunch of mayonnaise out]Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-oh-oh-oh-OH-[blats a ton of mayonnaise out]UUUUUGH! Okay, done. No need to come over.

[The screen shows a guy with mayonnaise all over his face]

Guy: [licks the mayonnaise off in a seductive manner like a sexual creep]

---

Denzel: I didn't know you had a sister.

Ethel: That's because I've been trying to wish her out of my life.

Woody: Psst. Hey, Ethel. For a hundred bucks I can make that wish come true. It's been a while since I've fed my dark passenger.

---

Retard: [singing] Iiiiii like vagiiiiina!

---

Ethel: One of you could pose as my husband! Ken, would you do the honors?

Ken: I'd love to, baby-[jizzes]UUUUUUUGH! Nevermind. [falls asleep]

Ethel: Steve?

Steve: Sorry. Already in love.

Ethel: Woody?

Woody: NO!

Ethel: Malloy?

Malloy: I'm literally an animal. Who are you, Matthew Broderick?

[Denzel smiles at her]

Ethel: ... [sigh] Where am I gunna find a husband?

Denzel: Oh, racist-ass bitch. Treating me like I'm a Mexican or something.

---

Ethel: Oh, where am I gunna find a husband? [gasp] Ugh, and I need a kid!

[Ethel sneaks up on a little boy by the playground and hides in the bush]

Ethel: Hey, psst! Little boy! Do you want some candy?

[Ethel lures the boy over with a lollipop and then catches him in a net]

Ethel: Gotchya!

Little Boy: AAAAAAAAAAAH! HELP DADDY!

[The kid's dad runs up to save him]

Daddy: GET AWAY FROM MY KID! WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU!?

Ethel: I WANT YOUR SON BAD! I'VE GOT MONEY!

Daddy: LEAVE HIM ALONE, FREAK!

[The dad tries to run away but Ethel grabs him and gets dragged along]

Ethel: No! Wait! YOU CAN JOIN IN AND PLAY MY HUSBAND! [cries] PLEEEE-HE-HE-HE-HE-HEASE!!! [the dad breaks free and escapes]

[Ethel lies there and Malloy comes up]

Malloy: ... It's good to see you're dating again.

---

Steve: Welcome to Brickleberry National Park!

Lucy: [to Steve] Thank you. [to Hubert] It's so nice they hired the mentally challenged. [Steve gets offended]

[They drive away]

Lucy: Not really, I hate them.

---

Malloy: [doped up] Uuuuuuhhhhhh, I can hear my blood.

---

Lucy: So, Connor. What do you do for a living?

Ethel: Brain surgeon.

Connie: Gynecologist for supermodels.

Lucy: Well, which is it? You do brain surgery on gynecologists or gynecology on supermodel brain surgeons?

Connie: ... I build robots ... So, how 'bout those Packers, this week?

Hubert: Packers? Football season doesn't start for five months.

Connie: I know. I was talking about the uh, fudge packers. Stupid homos wanna get married, am I right?

---

Malloy: [doped up] Nom nom nom nom nom. [blows a raspberry] [wheezes in laughter]

---

Bully: Hey, look who it is. It's a new kid. Hey, new kid. Uglytown called. You just got voted mayor.

Kids: Oooooohhhh!

Fat Little Asian Boy: THINK ABOUT HOW UGLY THAT MEANS HE IS!

Bully: You're also mayor of Diarheeatown.

Kids: Ooooooohhhhh!

Fat Little Asian Boy: THAT'S THE WORST TOWN I EVER HEARD OF!

[Colette enters]

Colette: My boyfriend is so funny.

Bully: This is called a girlfriend. Something you'll never have.

Kids: Oooooohhh!

Fat Little Asian Boy: EITHER HE CALL HIM GAY OR HE GOT FEAR OF COMMITMENT!

Malloy: Listen, buddy. Here's what's gunna happen. First, I'm gunna take your friends. Then I'm gunna take your girlfriend and when you have nothing left, I'm going to kill you. You know what? I think I'm gunna like school.

---

Steve: I don't know, Denzel. Imagining the audience naked really doesn't work for me.

[Denzel is shown sitting there, naked]

Denzel: Just trying to help.

---

Steve: Uh, [cough] Okay, [ahem], I-I'm ran-ranger, uh, Steve and I-I'm gunna tell you all about being a-a park ranger.

Bully: You look more like a pork ranger.

Kids: OOOOOOHHHH!

Fat Little Asian Boy: Oh, snap! He said pork ranger! That's a play on words, yo! And it means he's FAT!

Steve: Uh, ... okay ... A-As a-As a ranger, f-f-f-f-fire safety is important.

Malloy: Is that what fucked your face up?

Kids: Oooooooh.

Fat Little Asian Kid: Ooooohhh, new kid dropped an HBO word!

Steve: Picture everyone naked. Picture everyone naked. Picture everyone naked.

Malloy: Picturing kids naked? Don't you do enough of that at home, you pudgy pedophile?

Kids: Oooooh!

Fat Little Asian Kid: OH NO! NO NO NO NO NO! HE'S SAYING PORN RANGERS ARE PEE PEE TOUCHER!

[Steve wets his pants like a little bitch and runs away crying]

Fat Little Asian Kid: HE IS THE KING! NEW KING!

---

Lucy: Soooooo, Connor. I'm sure Ethel told you about our amazing wedding in the Amazon rainforest.

Connie: That's nothing. We got married on the moon.

Ethel: Uh, Moon Palace, Cancun. It was very pricey.

Lucy: I thought you said you got married in Hawaii.

Ethel: Uh, uh, we had two ceremonies.

Malloy: They didn't want blacks at the good wedding.

---

Lucy: Goodnight, you three. Sleep well.

Ethel: Goodnight.

[Lucy leaves]

Ethel: Uppity bitch.

---

Connie: ETHEL, I WANT A DIVORCE!

Ethel: What!?

Connie: AND I'M TAKING THAT NECKLACE BACK!

Ethel: What are you gunna do? Return it!?

Connie: YES I AM! I'M GUNNA DIG UP YOUR GRANDMOTHER AGAIN AND PUT IT BACK ON HER FUCKING NECK!

Ethel: Fine! ... Wait, what?

---

Denzel: [referring to Stephanie] Go fuck yourself.

Steve: Thanks for the kind words, bro.

---

Lucy: There's no shame in divorce. As long as you don't mind burning in Hell with the queers.

---

[The school play starts]

Woody: What? No previews?

---

[Malloy murders the bully]

Woody: ENCORE! ENCORE!

[The curtains fall down and Steve is shown fucking Stephanie]

Woody: [shielding his eyes] TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!

---

[Woody walks in and sees that Malloy killed Lucy and Hubert]

Woody: Malloy!

Trivia

• Lucy mentions that she and Hubert are traveling with their son Randy. However, Randy is inexplicably absent from the whole episode.
  • However, Lucy did mention that Randy was shooting a film with Al Pacino, so it's possible he was still on set while his parents went to Brickleberry.

Pop Culture References

• Stephanie confuses park rangers with "Power Rangers".
• Malloy and Colette perform the stage play "Romeo and Juliet" at the school.