Woody Johnson

Brickleberry character
Woodrow Waylon Johnson
Alias	Rick Swordfire, Rex Erection
Gender	Male
Hair	Blond
Age	55 (56 as of "The Dam Show")
Job	Head Ranger of Brickleberry Park (current) ; Evangelist (temporary) ; C.E.O. of Woody Johnson Inc. (temporary) ; Pornographic Actor (faked death) ; US Marine (discharged)
Religion	Evangelical Protestant
Hobbies	Getting coked up, getting drunk, exploiting Brickleberry for money, abusing Steve, reading bedtime stories to Malloy
Voiced by	Tom Kenny
Appearances
First	"Welcome to Brickleberry"
Last	"Global Warning"

"OK rangers, it's time to bust ass!"

Woodrow Waylon "Woody" High Stakes Johnson (voiced by Tom Kenny) is the show's deuteragonist and the head ranger of Brickleberry Park, serving as the boss of the rest of the main cast, including the show's protagonist Steve.

Woody is a fat, short-tempered, greedy corrupt head ranger. He mistreats his own employees on a daily basis, if not minutely basis. Woody is known for his misogyny and contemptible personality.

It is revealed in Paradise PD Meets Brickleberry that he is Randall's cousin.

First day — Woody's first day of kindergarten.

Biography

Johnson dmv — 123 Brickleberry Road, Brickleberry?

Woody's mother, Anita, was abusive to him as a child, forcing him to have sex with a prostitute on his 8th birthday and locking him in a closet with angry birds and bees after catching him masturbating. The abuse was so bad that he still gets nightmares, notably in Obamascare.

Long before his military career, Woody was a porn star known as "Rex Erection". He had a successful career for a while, but eventually picked up a drug habit that negatively affected his sexual performance, causing him to be relegated to non-sexual roles.

After a bit of depression, Woody joined the army. He is said on many occasions to be a war criminal, notably reading to Malloy a bedtime story about making a functioning piano out of "Iraqi teeth and dicks"; while serving in the Red Skulls unit in the Gulf War, he also threw Jack Abowski on top of a grenade to save himself. He was a homeless veteran for a while, until he discovered the Hazelhurst Country Club's club sandwich in a dumpster, which gave him "something to live for".

He then became a park ranger at Brickleberry, and worked his way up to head ranger over his thirty-year career - it is noted in Obamascare that he has perfect attendance. He still has PTSD from both his abusive mother and his experiences in the war.

Woody also took Malloy under his wing after the bear's family was killed by Steve. Woody views Malloy as his "therapy pet" and needs him to keep his PTSD at bay - when Malloy went missing in The Dam Show and Write 'Em Cowboy, he went completely insane. Due to this, Malloy finds him easy to manipulate - he constantly gets gifts such as chocolate and firearms and Woody has no idea how to discipline him, proclaiming once that he washed his mouth out with a bar of chocolate after he swore.

A running gag in the series is Woody often uses the fake alias "Rick Swordfire" (with an Australian accent), but this usually fails to trick other people. Some of Woody's "proudest" achievements include having sex with his own daughter and later on going back in time to have sex with his own mother Anita.

Appearance

Woody is an overweight, middle aged park ranger. He has short blonde hair styled into a combover and also a darker yellow big thick mustache. His uniform is made white instead of greyish green to distinguish him as the Head Ranger.

Woody is also an obese man. As an 8-year old boy, he was already very overweight. Ethel proves in "Woody's Girl" that being the Head Ranger makes one stress eat donuts from all the responsibilities. After Malloy was neutered, he claimed that Woody was only as overweight as the average American man.

Personality

Woody is a proud worker at Brickleberry park and he loves his job and everything about it. He has a very low tolerance for mistakes and screw ups with his workers which is exploited with his workers' extreme chaos that they constantly cause which ends up in everything getting destroyed. Ironic for a park ranger, Woody is opposed to environmentalism and is a global warming denier. Woody will constantly unleash a blast of extreme rage and loss of sanity along with a stream of unnecessary profanities when he does this which just makes everything a living hell for him. and Woody's gentle tone can sometimes be misunderstood for weakness, and behind the intimidating mustache is a man who truly does care for his friends and co-workers. Unfortunately, money can sway his morals left and right faster than a grandfather clock.

Woody cares only about money and his reputation, and has little care towards the park itself. Notably, he set up an antenna disguised as a tree to get free phone calls, but this attracted and then killed a lot of wildlife; and he ordered his rangers to start a forest fire just so he could put it out in front of the visiting Secretary of the Interior, Kirk Sanders. He often misuses Brickleberry's budget on luxuries such as cocaine, wine parties and gourmet food; and in Miracle Lake, exploited the healing properties of the lake to get rich quickly. While Steve, Connie and Ethel live in what Ethel calls "run down shacks", Woody and Malloy live in their own mansion, and in The Dam Show he used his rangers' Christmas bonuses to build an additional wing.

Religious and Political Views

Woody is a right-wing conservative Christian. He often talks about Jesus and proves to be an Evangelical Protestant in "Miracle Lake". Out of religious extremism, Woody rejects the scientific consensus of global warming and believes the dinosaurs were wiped out by the coming of Jesus Christ. Woody is also a critic of animal rights and animal rights activists ("Squabbits"), environmental awareness ("Trailer Park" and "Global Warning"), Catholicism ("Woody's Girl"), liberals ("Squabbits" again) and President Barack Obama.

Woody is a Republican. He endorsed John McCain-Sarah Palin in the 2008 election and believes Jesus made oil out of dinosaurs specifically for Republicans. In addition to Obama, Woody hates Al Gore because of Gore's activism in global warming and expressed that with giant letter-shaped lights on his lawn. In the comic book, it's revealed Woody is a gun rights advocate and subscribes to the NRA.

Criminal Record

Illicit Use and Homicide by Firearms: Threatened to shoot Denzel for foul-mouthed language in "Two Weeks Notice", and later in the same episode he shot Steve by accident with a rifle. He also shot a country club applicant with a gun in "In Da Club" to avoid competition for membership so that he can taste the club's special sandwich.
Arson: He intentionally started a wildfire by ordering Denzel to create it in "Race Off!", and therefore Kirk Sanders was determined to find out the culprit (which was Woody). Ethel and Malloy knew it was obvious Woody's the culprit, although they don't rat him out since Woody's their boss and they rely on him for income (Ethel) or food and shelter (Malloy). He later starts a second forrest fire trying to drop Sanders' body.
Violation of Labor Laws (multiple counts): Refuses health insurance and minimum wage to his employees in "Hello Dottie". He also cut Steve's salary by 50%. However, it is presumed Woody restored his employees to minimum wage and health benefits because he desperately agreed to hire back everyone after Malloy psychologically corrupted their Indian visa-worker replacements.
- Employee Racial Bias: He does this a lot to Denzel.
- Employee Sexual Harassment: He does this a lot to Ethel.
Scamming: He lied about giving a refund to a customer back on his credit card for a $10 camping fee.
Illicit Drugs (multiple counts): He did marijuana in "Saved by the Balls", cocaine in "The Comeback", does it again in "Old Wounds" by making a snowman out of cocaine called Frosty the Blowman and mentions doing cocaine at Kinko's in "Campin Ain't Easy". He also did many bad drugs with Mayor Todd Ford in "High Stakes".
Slander: Made a sex tape video of Denzel screwing Governor Melcher in "My Way or the Highway".
Electrocution (2): He dropped a plugged-in toaster into a bathtub that had someone still taking a bath in it in "In Da Club". Also, when Steve gained the power to see into the future by getting shocked in "Global Warning", Woody tied him to an electric shock torture device and forced him to answer more and more questions.
Bank Robbery: He helped Denzel commit armed robbery on a bank in "That Brother's My Father".
Child Abuse (multiple counts): Headlocked a young Filipino girl in "Write Em' Cowboy". Her parents didn't seem to care about this and took amusement in it. Also in "That Brother's My Father" he beat up kids just to win a race while Denzel beat up those kids' dads with a bicycle chain. The two became a headline on a widespread newspaper and possibly faced jail time for this.
Dishonorable Military Conduct: During the time he served in the army division Red Skulls, he threw his own private Jack Abowski on top of a grenade in order to save himself as shown in "Old Wounds".
Slavery: He used Oompah-Loompahs as his personal slaves, locking them up in his basement as shown in "Old Wounds". They all died when they succumbed to starvation and cannibalism since Woody forgot to feed them.
DUI: After getting drunk, Woody drove his car into a river. He later drove to court drunk in "Baby Daddy". This got him forced to do community service.
Dumping Hazardous Material: Forced Connie and Denzel to dump barrels of radioactive waste into Brickleberry's lake in "Steve the Fearless Pilot". This caused a giant man-eating sea monkey to arise.
Assaulting Law Enforcement: He slapped a police officer in the face in "High Stakes".
Stealing a Fire Truck: He does this while having fun with Mayor Todd Ford in "High Stakes". However, he couldn't be prosecuted because Ford was the mayor.
Graft: He accepted Steve's mom having sex with him in order to make Steve the Ranger of the Month every month in "Amber Alert", which counts as accepting bribery and prostitution.
Hitman: He offered hitman services in "Amber Alert".
Pseudocide: He faked his death to retire as a porn star in "The Comeback".
Embezzlement: He exploited $3,200,000 worth of taxpayer money to make a Brickleberry commercial in "Amber Alert". Because the commercial ran only approximately 32 seconds, Woody spent about $100,000 per second on the commercial!
Revenge porn: He put a clip of Ethel naked right into his Brickleberry hiring commercial to find new employees in "Amber Alert", without even thinking to ask Ethel for permission.
Poisoning Children: He watched and let (if not encouraged) children to swim in a lake infested with leeches by using a black marker to alter the danger sign saying "No Swimming No Fishing" to "Go Swimming Go Fishing", in "Campin' Ain't Easy".
Sexual Assault: Woody claims that in the past he went to jail for letting his sentient and extremely long penis sexually violate a girl in "Campin' Ain't Easy".
Violation of Air Pollution Laws: He started a company called Woody Johnson Inc, in the series finale "Global Warning" to deliberately create more global warming. He, and the rest of human race, ultimately paid the price for his idiotic carbon footprint.

Quotes of "Wisdom"

[addressing Ethel for complaining Woody shouldn't just kill the Squabbits] Spoken like a couple of dopey liberal broads! I don't what bleeds more, your hearts or your parts!
Like my daddy always said, if you wanna kill somebody, you gotta do it yourself.
I'm better than you and you and you! You're fat, you're black, you're dumb and your head looks like a thumb! Woody Johnson, everybody!

Trivia

His name is a sexual reference, as both "Woody" and "Johnson" are slang terms for penis.
- Ethel pointed this out in "The Comeback", but Woody didn't seem to get the joke.
Woody is a war veteran, who used to fight against Al-Qaeda in the war in Iraq. He was part of a team called "The Red Skulls", whose motto was "Respect and Protect".
Woody was horribly abused by both of his parents, throughout his childhood. His mother, Anita, would whip him with bicycle chains and lock him in closets full of bees all throughout his childhood for no reason. His father, Harry, would sexually abuse him on the regular, after his divorce with Anita.
Woody has apparently been married a few times and has murdered his ex-wives. In "Squabbits", Woody mentioned having a dead wife, who's buried in the woods somewhere. In "That Brother's My Father", Woody had an urn full of ashes on his fireplace, which he revealed belonged to an ex-wife who "gave [him] lip".
In "The Dam Show", Woody was shown to be a Neo-Nazi, as he took advice from a playbook, written by none other than Adolf Hitler, himself.
In "The Comeback", it was revealed that Woody used to be a famous pornstar, who went by the name "Rex Erection".
Woody has the tendency to get strokes from getting overexerted with rage, as seen in "Woody's Girl".
- This was briefly revisited in "That Brother's My Father", when Woody reacted to Denzel marrying his mother.
In "Little Boy Malloy", Woody mentioned having a "dark passenger". This is a reference to the show, Dexter, where the titular character uses this term to describe his insatiable desire to kill people.
Woody is a conspiracy theorist, who believes that the government caused 9/11, tampers with the water supplies, and turned Anderson Cooper gay, as he mentioned in "Trip to Mars".
Woody has a freezer full of dead hookers, as seen in "My Favorite Bear".
In "Obamascare", it was revealed that Woody hates Barack Obama.
In "Write 'Em Cowboy", it was revealed that Woody has a fetish for pineapples.
His PD counterpart is Randall Crawford, as they are both the short-tempered, profane bosses of their respective companies and are voiced by Tom Kenny, who uses the same voice for both of them.
- In "Paradise PD Meets Brickleberry", it was revealed that Woody and Randall are cousins.